You are watching TV and see a meteorologist pointing to some hurricane out there in the Atlantic Ocean (today it is just a tropical storm) and making two basic meteorological points:

• There is no need to panic.
• We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in eastern North Carolina. If you are new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the hurricane. Based on my experiences, I recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

• Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
• Put these supplies into your car.
• Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in eastern North Carolina.

    So, you are going to stay. Here is what you need to make your stay safe:

• HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
  1. It is reasonably well-built, and
  2. It is located in Nebraska.
      Unfortunately, if your home is located in eastern North Carolina, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Fran, I have had 13 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Queen of Fifth Street Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, the stockholders are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
• SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
  1. Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
  2. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
  3. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they are very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
  4. Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
• HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR YARD: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, your mother-in-law, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
• EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your telephone area code; if it is 252 or 910, then you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. Misery loves company, right?
• HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
  1. Two dozen flashlights and least ten cases of batteries. Do like me and get C cells, only to discover when the power goes out that your flashlights and your portable radio need D cells.
  2. Milk. Yes, I know, it will just spoil in the refrigerator while the power is out, but getting milk is part of the tradition.
  3. BEER. Unlike milk, this will not go bad. And if you don't have enough beer on hand to get stinking drunk and do something stupid that will get you injured or killed in the storm, what will the rest of us have to watch on the news once the power is back on?
  4. Antibiotics.  You will not be able to resist going into the flood waters that are everywhere -- they include the contents of the many hog waste lagoons found in eastern North Carolina, and that shit will kill you.
• SHOULD I GO TO SCHOOL:  If you are a student or faculty/staff member of East Carolina University, you can point your browser to http://www.ecu.edu/alert/ or phone  252-328-0062 to learn whether or not the university is open.   It says something like "Campus administrators are closely monitoring the track of Hurricane Alpha as it lingers off of the North Carolina/South Carolina coast. If conditions become detrimental to the safety of students and staff, decisions will be made regarding the university schedule."  What does that mean, should I drive on in to campus or not?"  This could mean one of two things:
  1. You will drive all the way in to campus only to learn that while you were on the way the university decided to cancel all classes and send everybody home.
  2. You will drive all the way in to campus and find that the only parking spaces left are those next to the "Flash Flood" warning signs.  Thinking they would not have the lot open if there was really any danger, you will park there and go to class.  After you get out of class and go to check your email you will find a pop-up alert on the computer warning you that that parking lot is flooding and that all persons with cars parked there must get them out of there within 30 minutes.  This alert will be dated two hours ago.

  Fake News.  If you are one of those who do not believe anything you see on the news, just ignore all those hurricane warnings.  We can do without you.

  

   

Contact Information for the Webmaster,
Dr. Karl L. Wuensch


This page most recently revised on 2-September-2018.