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SPRING 2007
The
Almost-Overlooked
NUMBER 28
An Unauthorized,
Unofficial,
Somewhat Irregular
Webpage Newsletter
of Who, What,
When, Where,
& Occasionally How
But Rarely Why,
Relating
the On-Going
Goings-On
of the
Family Wildachers,
& Also Featuring
Other Such Stuff
As The Editor
May See Fit To Include,
Accessible
via Cyberian Magic
To Them
What Wants It,
&
Them What Couldn't
Care Less.
Peace.
Editor
Luke Whisnant
This Issue
Written By
Debbie Daniel
Maureen Shay
Luke Whisnant
Photos:
Suzanne Carey
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The Wildacres Survival Guide
For Newcomers and Oldcomers Alike
by Maureen Shay
The following are terms, events, objects, occurrences and conditions, subject to which the Wild Acher must adapt but will come to adore.
Air Conditioning : it looks like a ceiling fan. It works like a ceiling fan. And it circulates that intoxicating Blue Ridge air filled with the aroma of mountain laurels.
Boxed wine : an acquired taste, but one that is likely to induce the most introverted to mix and mingle. The boxes are quite mobile and have been known to induce trips down a gravel road by certain hushed figures.
Bruce : an elflike entity known for shape-changing, formerly incarnated as Mab. Categorized in the muse family.
Cuteness : the prerequisite to any given teacher's hiring. He or she must exude a definite air of cuteness that draws the adoration of the masses. This may be accomplished with the application of smile, talent, tarot reading, guitar or other instrumental prowess, kayak dexterity, or dance moves. Any given teacher may apply underwear to the head as an apparatus that ensures cuteness.
Dancing : Writers dance like they write, it is said. On the mountain, dancers write like they dance.
Ice : a highly valuable commodity. Some Wild Achers have been known to exchange great favors for a single cube.
Inspiration : found in the air, the smiles, the one-minute conversations, the one-hour conversations, the instructors, the workshop mistress, the staff, the friends, the reunions, the new unions, the roll of the mountains.
Instructors : see "Cuteness." Cuteness is directly related to talent and the ability to teach and inspire. Credentials are of course, admirable, subject to cuteness.
Judi Hill : secretly a talented writer of poetry known best for her prowess with a whip, the corraller of cats, the promoter of homemade cookies and controlled mahem.
Name Tags : truly the most fashionable statements on the mountain. Known to cause dreams of being in public nude upon removal.
Parking : a testament to the right brain. Masters of the Rubik Cube have proven to be most successful at entering and exiting during the workshop.
Privacy : Beware the open window.
Rocking Chairs : noted to be moved in the formation of Stonehenge by mysterious forces, usually after dark.
Sleep Deprivation : known as sleep on the magic mountain.
Speed Bumps : This practice never occurs on the Wildacres campus.
Student Readings : The Gong Show Part One.
The Bell : programs Wild Acres to walk purposely in any given direction.
The Critique : what happens to a short story in a blender.
The Food : most notably associated with the bell.
The Fun Building : apparently now defunct operation base for late-nighters; this location has been infiltrated by the masses.
The Gazebo : surreptitious meeting place number two.
The Golf Cart : a relatively new addition to the Wildacres campus. Drivers are required to have training by Nascar and certificates in wheelie making.
The Gong Show : a life-changing experience. Unmistakably, the entire purpose of attending Wildacres after the first year. Except for the company. And the inspiration. The Gong Show is the workshop within the workshop that allows all fools to be divine and all who are cool to be fools.
The Hill : a glorious rise in the terrain just outside the cafeteria. This is the health-related feature that provides instant aerobic exercise after the consumption of cookies.
The Laugh : a deep Titan chuckle that emits from the heart of the campus, often accompanied by the sighting of a tall mysterious man named Gary.
The Library : surreptitious meeting place number one.
The Patio : breathtaking in its view, this setting houses conversations under starlight and afternoon haze. Its mutable nature has been known to change from misty to sun-baked in moments. Quantum physicists are investigating its ability to produce lightning storms in the presence of a camera.
The Ten Commandments : can be reduced to three: no complaining; no sleeping [together or alone]; no complaining.
The Wailing Wall : where only the bold will go on the fateful last Saturday morning. Known to cause certain Wild Achers to flee in the night. The mighty wall upon who wave, tearfully, those any given Acher will think of for the next 355 days.
The Whip : the property of one Judi Hill. A popular item for The Gong Show and other nefarious activities.
Towel Day : for the hardcore, a time to nap.
Underwear : optional. Best used as a headdress in The Gong Show.
Wild Acher : one who has been subjected to the alchemy of mountain, moon, and the company of creative energies at a great height above sea level. Known for dancing in the rain, midnight hijinx, and falling in love with a hundred other people for a week of the year.
—Maureen Shay
Dear Judi,
Jack and I are so happy that you and Dave were able to come to our wedding. Thank you so much for the lovely present, which I'm sure we will enjoy. It's not every day one receives a $100 gift certificate to the Spruce Pine Walmart. We'll put it to great use, I'm sure.
We also really like the boxes of wine you gave us. You're right, they really do stack neatly. I love the light-up bracelets, too, and the press-on tattoos. You can never have too many of those.
I'd also like to apologize for Jack's Great Aunt Tilly sitting on Dave's ukulele. She wasn't trying to sit in his lap. She just doesn't see so well anymore. I'm also sorry for what I said to you in the Ladies' Room a few minutes before the ceremony. I might have had just a wee bit too much champagne. If you want to be in the Wildie and the Acres act, I completely think that would work.
Love,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Leon,
Jack and I are so happy that you were able to come to our wedding. Thank you so much for the lovely present of baby supplies (although I'm pretty sure we won't be needing them any time soon...but hey, you never know).
Leon, I'm awfully sorry that you weren't able to get a line dance going. We were thinking of you, of course, when we put "The Electric Slide" on our dance mix, and I saw you try to get people out on the floor, but sadly, it was a heroic attempt in vain. Since we all know our Wildacres friends can dance like nobody's business, I have to blame this failure on Jack's side. Most of the people he invited have two left feet when it comes to shaking their booties, and my high school friends are just a little bit too cool to be caught doing a 20-year-old dance. Oh well. Maybe next wedding!
Love,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Luke,
Jack and I are so happy that you were able to come to our wedding. Thank you for the beautiful gift of the candle holder and the two boxes of candles. How romantic!
I do have a question for you, though. You wrote in your card "The first 45 nights are on me." Each box contained 20 candles, so 20 x 2 = 40. The candle holder came with five candles already in place. That equals 45 candles, true, but if we burn all five at once, as this thing was apparently designed to do, then 45 candles would only last us nine nights, not 45 nights. It would take 225 candles for us to make it through 45 nights.
So... 225 - 45 (the candles we have already) = 180. And 180 divided by 20 (candles per box) = 9. If my math is correct, could you please send us nine more boxes of candles? Jack and I would greatly appreciate it.
Love,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Carolyn,
Jack and I are so happy that you and Bill were able to come to our wedding. Thank you so much for the lovely present of your latest book of poetry. Wow! A signed third edition! We will enjoy it, I'm sure.
Since we have known each other for so long, and are such close friends, I know you won't mind a suggestion from me, dear Carolyn. Please, in the future, think carefully before bringing your identical twin sister to a social function. In the middle of saying my vows to Jack, I happened to glance up and catch sight of you and "Sissy" standing side by side, and I had the sudden horrible feeling that I'd mistakenly drank five pre-ceremony glasses of champagne instead of my planned-upon four. The feeling passed after a moment, but I must say that the rest of the evening was very confusing, listening to you call your sister "Sissy" and then hearing Sissy call you "Sissy." Please! Entirely too many sissies!
My love to Bill,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Janice,
Jack and I are so happy that you were able to come to our wedding. Thank you for the lovely gift, which I know we will enjoy... when we find it. Apparently some of Jack's friends "misplaced" some of the presents when helping carry them to our car. I'm sure your gift will turn up soon....unless it was one of the ones shaped like a bottle of Scotch.
Anyway, I'm glad that you came but I'm kind of unhappy with you for not staying longer. I don't mean to be rude, but we've been friends forever now and I'm sure you'd want me to be honest. Really, Janice. I know you had to get back to the Catawba College graduation to sit on the stage in your Big Deal Ph.D. cap and gown for all your little students to admire, "Oooh, Dr. Fuller, how darling! you're so cute! would you pose for a picture with me, please please"...etc etc... but you know what? I'm not planning on having any more weddings, Janice, but I'm sure I will have other important occasions like book signings and such that you will be invited to attend if you can, but anyway, in my humble opinion I think you need to get your priorities straight. You know, someday you just might want to be an Acre again.
Also I know that I said you could wear whatever you wanted to the wedding, but I really think the cap and gown was a little too formal.
Still your friend,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Jerry,
Jack and I are so happy that you were able to come to our wedding. Thanks so much for your thoughtful gift. Imagine our surprise when we entered the bridal suite at the hotel and found the bed covered with books. I'm sure we'll enjoy reading them on our honeymoon.
Happy reading to you, too.
Love,
Debbie
_______________________
Dear Bill,
Wow. What a great wedding gift. The complete box set of the Gong Show: The Best of Bill and Carolyn. And to think it even includes recreated scenes from the year the Gong Show was not taped. You know, I had forgotten some of those skits. Frankly, I'm not sure some of them were even in the original Gong Show. Wow. I never get tired of Mr. Rorke and his little friend.
I couldn't help but notice the creative use of editing you did on all the Wildie and the Acre songs. Who knew that a backup singer could be so perfectly featured. It was almost as if the major focus of the act had been completely changed. Carolyn looked great.
You're just a whiz at finding the right gift.
Love,
Debbie or Wildie in case you forgot
_______________________
Dear [name crossed out],
Jack and I were so
Jack was so happy that you were able to come to our wedding. He wanted me to write and say how much he enjoyed your dress. He said it was the sexiest dress he'd seen at a wedding in years.
It really was awfully wonderfully gauzy and revealing flattering and that cut-on-the-bias hemline could only be described as "peek-a-boo" was just darling.
Anyway, thanks.
--Debbie Daniel
Well, it certainly was a lovely wedding, y'all. Dancing, champagne, a fancy hotel ballroom, those kinds of biscuits that have little pieces of steak in them, a gang of dressed-up Achers on their best behavior — and greeting everyone at the door, life-sized cardboard cutouts of Debbie and Jack (shown here... I think). To see a few more shots, check out Suzanne Carey's wedding photos (thanks, Suzanne!).
And many thanks to all of you eagle-eyed readers who were just getting ready to hit the "Email the Editor" link to point out that this issue of The Tunnel is missing our usual "Inkstains" and "Scribbler's Scrapbook" columns. You're absolutely right. We meant to do better but truth be told, your poor old Editor is not so Intrepid anymore, sigh. So please hold your publication and other news and we'll catch up with everybody next issue.
Now ... just to tie up a few loose ends:
1. Related to the second paragraph above (i.e. the one where The Editor Admits That It Has Become More Than He Can Handle Alone), The Tunnel is now taking applications for an Assistant Editor. Please email if interested.
2. A quick note to you wannabe iPod DJs (you know who you are): last year's dance mixes did not fare so well. May your Editor kindly suggest a refresher course: How to Make A Wildacres Mix .
3. Judi sez: "Don't forget to pack your pirate stuff!"
And now for the countdown.
From this issue's publication date (Tuesday, 12 June) to the first day of the retreat (Saturday, 1 July), it is about two-and-a-half weeks: only 19 days — roughly 450 hours. Add one week if you're not retreating: it's 25 days — around 600 hours — 'til Saturday, 7 July, the first day of the workshop.
In the grand scheme of things, that's a mere blink of an eye, boys and girls.
See you on the mountain.
Tunnel
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P.S. Thought I forgot, didn't you? Scroll down....
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