We're Here To Save The World by Chris Flowers Okay, dude, listen to this. Me and Mike were at Blockbuster, right, and there wasn’t anything to rent. I mean nothing. So we’re crusin’ the aisles, ya know, the horror section, and there’s absolutely nothing. We’ve seen ‘em all — don’t really wanna see any of ‘em again. Except The Fly. Man oh man, The Fly. We’re not scared to dive into the plasma pool, man, that’s for sure. “You see anything,” I say to Mike, and he says, “Take a look at this. Symmetrical book stacking, just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.” I double-over and I’m laughing, and I say, “Yeah, symmetrical book stacking. No human being would stack books this way.” So then we’re squealing like little girls and these two dudes in the comedy section are staring us down, looking at us like, “Look at those two jackasses” and that makes me laugh harder and my stomach starts to hurt. Then we both hear the little electronic ding the door makes when someone comes in and it’s this tall, red-headed, lanky-looking dude. He’s covered in all these freckles, really, just covered, like there’s all these stars from a little constellation tattooed on his face. And he’s walking all stiff-like and has this really confused, kind of bewildered look on his face like a deer caught in headlights. So I nudge Mike with my elbow and say, “3PO.” He turns and sees the dude and chuckles, looks back at me and says, “Come along R2.” I laugh and say, “Beep beep boop boop.” So we start walking again and my side still hurts from laughing and there’s this chick and she’s holding the box for Armageddon and I start to beg her, “Please, Oh my God no, please, you’re too young — TOO YOUNG!” Mike laughs again and she stares us down like some cowboy. Seriously, for a second I thought I saw tumbleweed. She tosses her hair behind her shoulders, all snotty like, and says, “What’s wrong with Armageddon?” I laugh so hard everyone turns and stares and then I say, “ Armageddon tired of Bruce Willis making bad movies,” and then I really lose it and everyone looks scared, just out of their minds, like I’m some kind of psycho or something, so I just stare back at them and try to calm down so we don’t get thrown out. Then this employee like comes up to us and she’s got these really weird buckteeth, like a beaver or something, and she says, “Gentleman, you need to calm down or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I keep my cool and Mike is kind of timid when he gets confronted or whatever, so I just stare at the chick and say, “Yes ma’am, no problem. No problem at all.” She kind of flinches when I sneeze and she backs up and says, “Yeah, well, good.” She starts to leave and Mike freaks me out, because he like busts out of his shell all at once and goes, “All right! This chick is TOAST!” And man, I lose it, I mean really lose it, I can’t even breathe and I’m drooling and I know we’re about to have the fuzz called on us so I really try my best to take it down a notch. But then Mike just keeps laying it on, I mean really thick, and this chick starts looking really pissed and I see another employee walking up behind her and everyone’s staring us down hard. Mike doesn’t even stop, not for a second dude, and he says, “Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!” And that’s the last straw. I know it, and man, he does too. I’m really just hunched over gagging at this point and they escort us out, kind of like strong-arming us or whatever and they’re just standing on the sidewalk with their arms crossed when we climb into Mike’s Civic. Like, seriously, out of nowhere he leans out the window, points, and screams, “When this baby hits 88 mph, you’re going to see some serious shit!” And he just peels out, full throttle, and I can’t see anything because of all the tears. Dude, you should’ve been there. It was nuts. Chris Flowers is a native of eastern North Carolina, having grown up in the small farming community of Richlands. His interests are focused primarily on contemporary fiction — namely, the short story. One of his main influences has been Flannery O'Connor, because of her knack for accurately depicting Southern culture. The stories of T.C. Boyle have also played a large role in his development as a writer. He is currently enrolled in the M.A. program at East Carolina University. About “We're Here To Save The World,” he says “This piece was inspired by Shellie Zacharia's ‘Set Break.’ It's composed in the oral style, and, among other things I've written, reflects the kind of humor that I best understand.” Copyright © 2005 by Chris Flowers. Photo by Leanne E. Smith.