The Narcoleptic Man who just so happens to be a Public Speaker by Will Cyrus This is the story of a man named Peter; a narcoleptic man who just so happens to be a public speaker. Peter’s job is to travel around the country, speak in front of large audiences, and try to motivate them for good . . . not evil. Peter is captivating. He can hold the audience in the palm of his hands. Not literally, because Peter is only 5’11, and the weight of 2,000 would surely rip his arms out of their sockets. It’s more or less figuratively, like God in the children’s churchsong. His expertise is getting you the most out of situations, like if your coke dealer wanted $90 for a gram, Peter would be able to talk him into two grams for around $150. His audiences always watch him intently and intensely, like a pack of wolves on the hunt for food — except it is a myth that full-blooded wolves eat humans — and his audiences were always happy, whereas wolves that attack humans are hardly ever happy. Plus, unhappy audiences won’t spend $25 for your latest hardcover or $50 for the six-disc audio version. After one exceptional day of speaking, Peter got into his rented Taurus and went out for a celebratory dinner at the local TGI Fridays. Only asking for a table for one, Peter’s charismatic aura must have worked its magic, because he was seated at a table which could actually hold four. Peter’s waitress that evening was Caroline, a girl of nineteen, with hair the color of buffalo wings. Peter ordered buffalo wings as an appetizer — possibly subconsciously, but probably not. Caroline was beautiful and had the outgoing personality that every restaurant manager looks for when hiring a wait staff. Caroline talked to strangers as a child and TGI Fridays is lucky to have her on their team. What are today’s specials? Peter asked when Caroline returned to take his order. TGI Friday’s doesn’t have any specials. Then what do they call you, sweetie? Caroline wasn’t sure how to respond. She couldn’t figure out if Peter was hitting on her, or saying she was retarded. Either way, no girl would go back to a hotel with a man who said something like that. What Peter actually said to convince Caroline to go to the Ramada Inn with him is unknown, because at that moment, a waitress with hair the color of a Jack Daniels® Flat Iron Steak dropped her serving tray of Ultimate Captain Colada’s. If Peter had asked her during the deafening silence that followed the shattering glass and sloshing of frothy, frozen beverages, then we might know, but alas, we’ll have to chalk it up to his amazing ability to convince people to do what he wants. Once in his hotel room, Peter pulled Caroline close, kissing her forehead delicately. He then backed away, took off his jacket, threw it on the bed that wouldn’t be used for sex, and put in his favorite Air Supply CD. He approached Caroline once more and gently untucked her shirt, unbuttoning it from the bottom up. He exposed her soft stomach, slowly working his way up to her firm and enticing breasts. Peter removed her shirt and ca . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for his plane to board, Peter’s agent called and told him about twelve more dates he had just booked. Next up for Peter was a stop in New York City, home of the original TGI Fridays. Will Cyrus is a creative writing student from Raleigh, NC. “The Narcoleptic Man who just so happens to be a Public Speaker” is based on a song by the same title performed by his comedic techno band, The Will Holman Trio. “I came up with the title first. At that time, I was enthralled by songs with long titles. The song is mostly serious . . . until I fall into a narcoleptic sleep towards the end. For the short story, I came up with ridiculous metaphors and similes that would never be used to describe the situations which they are used to describe. I also tried to use words that a motivational speaker would use in a speech to describe the mundaneness of public speaking and dinner at TGI Fridays. For the sex scene, I tried to make it as sexy as possible.” Copyright © 2005 by Will Cyrus. Photo by Leanne E. Smith.